Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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