i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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