The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
