Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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