Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
