I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize