you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
