At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize