Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize