i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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