I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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