Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
