12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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