youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
