have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
