my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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