I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
