I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have so many feelings about this burrito
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
