I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
