Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
