I look better un-naked...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
