Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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