I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
