I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
