Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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