I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
