I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize