if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
