Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
