I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
