he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
