what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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