Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
