I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
