i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
