I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
