I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
