Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
