Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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