Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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