My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
