You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My feet surprised me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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