then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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