glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
