Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
