Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
