Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
