I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
