Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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