I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
