just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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