why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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