You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Im part way to drunk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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