If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
