my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
