I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
