Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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