She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize