let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
