I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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